MORBID POST... YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

so i pick up the school newspaper today... some kid, greg wilmot, had a seizure and died the other day. i read the article, feeling that detached sense of depression that i always feel when i read shit like that. turns out he's my friend's boyfriend and a pretty exceptional individual from what i hear. *sigh*

anyone else just freaked out by how fragile life really is? and how permanent death is? i kno this is WAY selfish but i would honestly rather be the one to die early than have to live the rest of my life without certain ppl in my life. i wish i could be all courageous and want to live longer so that i feel the pain, but honestly i dont think im strong enough.

i had a dream sunday nite of 3 ppl that i am quite attached to dying and my week has SUCKED. thank god none of them is from what i can tell in any danger, besides the inherent fragility of life, but man, my week has been awful... it just felt so real and i couldnt handle it.

so i guess this is one of those "realization" times where u get to see just how short life really is. so i should really try to appreciate it more. and also, what will ppl say about me when i'm gone? have i lived a good life? have i been a decent person? will i be missed? will i be remembered? how can i improve myself? what do i need to improve? what will my legacy, if any, be? am i worthy of a legacy?

all of those lost opportunities. just amazing. that one time i almost called you. what would we have talked about? would it have been some deep break through or a new awesome inside joke? and y the hell didnt i call? y do i sit in my room when there is so much to see and do? y do i waste time w/ sadness and anger when in the grand scheme of things, life is ridiculously short?

and the realities of the situation, do u want to be kept alive on machines (a la Terry Schiavo, RIP) or left on your own to sink into eternity? do you want burial or cremation? where do u want to be put to rest? what kind of funeral do you want? who do you want to say ur eulogy? all of these things that i dont think get talked about enough... it just makes my heart ache. that kind of, its never going to be okay hurt.

thinking about the realities... i dont want to go terry schiavo style. if im gonna spend the rest of my life dead let my body go to. i think i want to be cremated and put into a big firecracker and set off over the pacific ocean at sunset. i want them to sing amazing grace and cristo ha muerto and i want bagpipes. i want an "open mike" eulogy. god willing my parents will pass before i do because i dont think my mom could handle it. i want tears and laughter. i want you to tell that story of one of the many times i was being a dumbass. i dont want ppl to pretend i was a saint. i want ppl to laugh. i want a bomb after funeral party. great music, great food and a lot of alcohol. pina coladas, mudslides and margaritas for all! i want my potatoes, and everything else that went into one of our "immac potlucks". i want you to pour out a lil liquor, gin being preferred... please not tequila! :-D i want a lot of flowers but maybe instead donations to a good cause. naw, i think i want some flowers. ;-)

more than anything, when i face that day... i want my soul to be at peace. i want to be able to look death in the face and i want to be able to smile. i want a clear conscience. and i want to kno that somehow, in whatever small way, i have left a positive mark on the world.

i really do love all u kids... if i'm never able to say this to u personally, i'm sorry for all of my MANY! wrongs... and i forgive all wrongdoings. life is too short to spend with an angry heart. i'm thankful to all of the amazing ppl that i have been blessed beyond belief to have met on my path. if i died tomorrow i would still be happy today because of all the amazing ppl that i have been surrounded by. you have made my life worth living. and i cant express in words wut that means to me. i love you.

p.s. okay so i reread this and it totally sounds like i'm about to commit suicide or something. just so u dont worry, that is TOTALLY not the case. i'm loving life right now and i hope the party doesnt stop any time soon but if it does it was one hell of a ride. i'm just in a somber mood at the moment and i thought that i needed to get some things down in writing.

with that said i'm going to get back to living my short life. nothing but love.

-maureen reardon

u were hit with this at 8:35 AM

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