so i finally "came clean" to the kids here at SLO... for those of u who don't kno, i'm transferring outta SLO so yea this is my last quarter here. i'm not positive where i'm going yet so i will keep you all posted on that. its either UC Santa Cruz or Loyola U. Chicago. i'll let ya kno when i kno.

i love you.

u were hit with this at 8:33 PM

.

i hate keeping secrets.. ironic considering how often i do it. sometimes its just better that way, ya feel me?

anyways, today was my first day of classes for spring quarter here at poly. i had spanish, german and sociology. tomorrow i have my anthropology class. wahoo.

so i'm starting to bounce of the walls. i have so much energy and my body really needs a nice long break... like i dunno... summer???!!!!!

so yea i'm feeling A LOT of mixed emotions rite now, i hate uncertainty. i hate it. and thats where i'm at rite now. UN FUCKIN CERTAIN! argh.

well ima go... need to study for spanish and german. bye bye

i love you!

u were hit with this at 8:29 PM

.

34 days sober
13 days to go

u were hit with this at 9:27 AM

.

so i just finished reading an EXTREMELY good (depressing) book about genocide and America's role in (not) stopping it. EXTREMELY good, moving, emotional, well-researched book. like WHOA! A Problem from Hell... America and the Age of Genocide by Samantha Power. she gets TWO THUMBS WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY UP!!!!!

so i learned in detail about the Armenian genocide, the Cambodian genocide,the Kurdish genocide the Rwandan genocide, the Bosnian genocide and the Kosovo genocide. reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllyyy puts things in perspective. so i am disappointed by my grades and i felt like i kinda got jilted by someone last nite... but in the grand scheme of things... i aint got SH*T to complain about. (this isn't the first time i realized this, just more profound understanding)

in Rwanda, 800,000 people died in ONE HUNDRED DAYS. thats EIGHT THOUSAND people per DAY.
so my skool, cal poly slo has around 16,000 people in it. at the rwandan rate we would ALL be dead in TWO DAYS.

the American equivalent would be (approximately) two 9/11's every day for one hundred days. the equivalent amount of the population would be 23 MILLION DEAD AMERICANS.

these ppl were hacked to death w/ machetes and just left in the roads. there were so many dead people that they were stacked 6 feet high. you could walk down a normal street and never touch the ground.

now if THAT doesn't put sh*t in perspective.... i dont kno WUT would.

i don't think ANY history class i have ever taken has done any of these subjects justice. in NO WAY am i trying to downplay the horrors of the Holocaust, but i think these atrocities need to be looked at a lil bit more.

so basically, in conclusion, i think this book should be required reading at every college, for every major, everywhere. the end.

i love you.

u were hit with this at 2:25 PM

.

i got this from one of my SLO homie's profiles

Twas the night before exam week,
and all through the dorms,
not a student was studying,
this was usually the norm.
Kegs in the kitchen, jello shots in the hall--
thanks to the liquor, it was a late night for all.
Passed out all around,
the kids all slept tight.
When they woke up the next day, they thought, 'Man, whatta night!'
We are to hung-over to study they shouted with cheer.
So forget the exams and bring on the beer!

thats the SLO life for ya!



u were hit with this at 8:12 PM

got my grades

*mofo day of mourning*

i did way worse than i thought i did

not a happy camper

i love you

u were hit with this at 10:29 AM

.

{Sunday, March 21, 2004 . }

24 days sober
21 to go

how come lent is 47 days this year?!?!? shady bastards!!

anyways... i'm back home in la. YAY! my friend amy, from SLO, came down here w/ me so i'm trying to think of cool things to do to show her.... bwahahaha...

finals are over with. i didn't do as well as i wish i had. :'-(

oh well... it was my own damn fault... better luck next quarter.

anyways... i'm blah AGAIN! argh.

alrite well ima go... hope to see all u guys real soon!!!

u were hit with this at 1:32 PM

.

{Sunday, March 14, 2004 . }

so i've given up alcohol for lent. its been a long 17 days. and guess wut? i got another 30 to go!

so i get to be the bartender which is pretty cool. i actually like it a lot. i also get to look after a whole mess of drunk kids, which i dont mind at all. 1) b/c most of them have looked after my drunk ass at some point and 2) b/c they're not all that belligerent so its relatively easy.

but i have to say that i need to find some sober ppl to chill w/ on the weekends. good luck w/ that in slo.... but ima be home next week so that'll be cool. i love being bartender but its a lil lonely when ur the only sober person in the room. also i've dropped a fair amount of $$ (completely voluntarily) on stuff that i'm not drinking. so in conclusion, i need some sober kids.

also i'm just kinda blah in general. oh well. thats the way it goes.

remember i love you!!

u were hit with this at 3:18 AM

.

{Thursday, March 11, 2004 . }

goddammit. so there was a devastating terrorist attack in spain today. it left nearly 200 dead and over 1,200 injured. y is it that after nearly a year (on march 20th) of the war on iraq and a 2 and a half year war on terrorism, everything is getting WORSE? not better.


i wont lie. i shed a couple tears today. everything just seems so hopeless. ya feel me?

haiti is basically having a civil war, the middle east is just fucked up, taiwan and hong kong are going thru turmoil with their relations with china. theres practically a perpetual war in the balklands. south and central america are jacked up. there are constant massacres in south eastern African countries. now western europe gets to join this exclusive club.

this stuff just makes life so goddamn depressing. *sigh*

i see so many apathetic, careless people. do i kno that what i believe is right? no. i don't. what i DO kno is that this apathy is WRONG. this attitude is wrong. how the hell is this world supposed to get better if its people aren't willing to do anything for it except point fingers, start wars and kill people with different skin colors or religious beliefs?

we have an idiot in the white house who spends his time cutting taxes on the rich and using his narrow-minded, destructive view of the world to destroy everything he can.

*sigh*

i feel so goddamn helpless and hopeless.
remember i love you...

song of the day
"franco-unamerican"
nofx
I never thought about the universe, it made me feel small
Never thought about the problems of this planet at all
Global warming, radio-active sites
Imperialistic wrongs and animal rights! No!

Why think of all the bad things when life is so good?
Why help with an 'am' when there's always a 'could'?
Let the whales worry about the poisons in the sea
Outside of California, it's foreign policy

I don't want changes, I have no reactions
Your dilemmas are my distractions

That's no way to go, Franco Un-American
No way to go, Franco Un-American
No way to go, Franco Un-American
No way to go, Franco, Franco Un-American

I never looked around, never second-guessed
Then I read some Howard Zinn now I'm always depressed
And now I can't sleep from years of apathy
All because I read a little Noam Chomsky

I'm eating vegetation, 'cause of Fast Food Nation
I'm wearing uncomfortable shoes 'cause of globalization
I'm watching Michael Moore expose the awful truth
I'm listening to Public Enemy and Reagan Youth

I see no world peace 'cause of zealous armed forces
I eat no breath-mints 'cause their from de-hoofed horses
Now I can't believe; what an absolute failure
The president's laughing 'cause we voted for Nader

That's no way to go, Franco Un-American
No way to go, Franco Un-American
No way to go, Franco Un-American
Where can we go, Franco Un-American

I want to move north and be a Canadian
Or hang down low with the nice Australians
I don't want to be another 'I-don't-care-ican'
What are we gonna do Franco, Franco Un-American

u were hit with this at 2:54 PM

.

{Wednesday, March 10, 2004 . }

song of the day
"everything i want to be"
save ferris

I find myself
I'm just awastin' my time away
No matter what I do
It always ends up the same
One minute moves
Into the next
My life was simple
But now it's complex
And it doesn't seem to mean anything at all
And everything I want to be
Is just another silly dream, you see
But I'll keep dreaming just the same

Sometimes it's hard to be me
When people stand in my way
I get so easily discouraged
Well, what can I say
They try to mess you up
They try to push you around
They'll do anything
To bring you down

I'm not gonna be
Stuck in mediocrity
When everybody's trying to bring me
Back down to reality
Oh, why can't they see
Just how much this means to me
Maybe one day I'll be special

Your dreams are special to you
But maybe others don't care
It brings you down
When you find them disregarded
And when you're out on your own
It's hard to make yourself stay
And finish up what it was
That you once started

I'm not gonna be
Taken down that easily
When everybody's trying to tell me
What I'm gonna have to be
Oh, why can't they see
Just how much this means to me
Maybe one day I'll be special
I'll be special

It means nothing
It means everything
It means something to me
What you tryin' to say
I'm not gonna play
In this little game
That you have created for me
You had your chance to do
What you needed to
And not it's time for me
To step right up and
Spin that wheel
This time's for real

It's not gonna work this time
Cuz in the end it's going to be mine
There's no need for me to stay
Cuz everything is gonna go
My way
My way, my way
My way
My way, my way, my way

u were hit with this at 9:03 PM

.

{Tuesday, March 09, 2004 . }

one of my suitemates got in a fight ...

with herself ...

and wrote it all on AIM...

to me...

Capm Mag: are you doing pilates right now?
Capm Mag: cause i want to
Capm Mag: may i borrow the dvds by any chance?
Capm Mag: thank you
Capm Mag: really
Capm Mag: thank you
Capm Mag: you silly silly girl
Capm Mag: who are you calling silly?
Capm Mag: you, you dumb shit
Capm Mag: don't talk to me like that!
Capm Mag: why you gotta be hatin' on me, biatch?
Capm Mag: i'm NOT hating on you , BIATCH
Capm Mag: why you gotta be actin all messed towards me?
Capm Mag: you KNOW edwardio loves my pussy better than yours
Capm Mag: whatever, your hootch has been visited too many times for anyone to love it
Capm Mag: besides, i'm OVER edwardio-- he's so done with. i've moved on
Capm Mag: oh yea? to who?
Capm Mag: his name happens to be riki-bo-diki-rootoo-bam. he's not from around here.
Capm Mag: where the fuck with someone with a name like that be FROM?
Capm Mag: he and his brother, rikitikitembo-nosarembo-charibariruchi-pipperipembo, moved here from Iowa
Capm Mag: iowa?
Capm Mag: yes
Capm Mag: iowa?
Capm Mag: are you fuckin deaf, bitch?

**************************************************

*moment of silence*

*2nd moment of silence*

el fin

remember i love you!

u were hit with this at 11:44 PM

.

{Monday, March 08, 2004 . }

why i still hold hope for SLO

my anthro professor decided we needed to have a lil party during class. everyone was asked to bring different snacks, drinks, gum etc. so we had our lil party in class. there was a decent portion of food left so the teacher took it and said she'd bring it to our next class.

next class comes around. the professor brings the food back. she starts the cookies on one side of the room and whats left of the candy and gum on the other.

i was one of the last people to get a chance at the candy / gum bag. i expected there to be nothing left at all. i looked in the bag and saw a lot of empty gum wrappers. then i saw an open pack that still had gum in it. people had realized that if they took a whole pack there would not be enough for everyone to have some gum. so they just opened the gum pack and took a stick, instead of the whole thing.

everyone that wanted some got a piece of gum.

thats all i want.

everyone has a chance at getting a piece.

remember i love you!

u were hit with this at 2:49 PM

lil clarification

"if this is the last time u hear from me, i love you" is not me implying that i'm suicidal. it just means that in case something should happen, remember i love you.

so from now on ima just say remember i love you so i dont scare anyone else.

remember i love you!

u were hit with this at 9:51 AM

.

{Sunday, March 07, 2004 . }

so its now officially dead week

a true dead week means there are no classes so that we all have more time to study for finals. but the admin. prolly knows we'd just spend all that time drinking, partying and having fun. so our dead week has classes. LAME.

so i'm in the homestrech guys. i'm tired, drained, and lacking all motivation. lets here it for finals! argh.

i've been standing at this crossroad for wut seems like forever. where am i going? *sigh*

i'm clinging on to the familiar out of fear. how ironic.

disappointed by selfishness and self-centered-ness.

no sense to be made today

if this is the last time u hear from me i love you

u were hit with this at 3:53 PM

.

{Thursday, March 04, 2004 . }

don't be a jew

when the HELL did i get transported into a mix of 1955 alabama and 1937 Nazi Germany?!

i dunno but this is definitely NOT helping my moral.

the other nite a whole grip of us went to a very nice (expensive) restaurant for dinner. i wasn't sure i should go cuz the guy who used the n-word was going, but i like all the other kids that were going so y let this guy ruin it for me?

i guess i'm supersensitive now but i'm getting saturated w/ this ignorance. calling someone "gay" or a "faggot" is SO ignorant. its disgusting. i've become used to hearing it but i really noticed it the other nite.

the bill comes and we're deciding tips. one guy was apparently being a lil cheap. then another guy, NOT the guy who used the n-word, a DIFFERENT guy told him "don't be a jew". "if ur not from jerusalem, leave a bigger tip"

*sigh*

what am i supposed to do with this?

*sigh*

my heart is in the gutter right now kids.

thats all for now.

if this is the last time u hear from me, i love you!

u were hit with this at 10:33 AM

.

{Tuesday, March 02, 2004 . }

"you mean n*ggers?"

i got a case of whiplash for turning around so quick to see who'd said that. i was hanging out with a bunch of (white) people last nite and we were talking about random things. then one person said something (i dont remember what) about black people, and this one guy straight yells out "you mean n*ggers?".

a part of my heart died last night.

i was so in shock that i couldnt think of words to say.

the moment passed and i was apparently the only one that found this statement offensive because it did nothing to damper the mood of the evening.
that statement has been on my mind ever since. just looking at this young white man's face, grinning ignorantly, after saying that. i was disgusted. completely, 100% revolted by him, his presence, and his voice. his existence offended me. apparently using racial slurs is just part of his vocabulary. apparently "white makes right" is the motto he lives by. apparently minorities are just something to make derisive comments about.

how, how, HOW in this day and age can people like this young man exist? how can people still be so goddamn ignorant and hateful?

the sad thing is i doubt this guy even realized it. i doubt he even thought what he was saying was in any way wrong, that it was a disgusting, vile thing to say. that the statement was completely unnecessary and uncalled for.

maybe i'm being too harsh on this kid, i dont kno him, where he comes from, or what he stands for.

oh wait, he used the n-word. i dont WANT to get to kno him.

from what i have gathered, the n-word, in some circles, is used simply as an insult "without" the racial implications. i ask how this is possible. calling someone a "n*gger" is NOT the same as calling someone a "bitch" or an "asshole". its not.

there are two reasons why this is so extremely offensive to me
1) i have A LOT of black/brown friends. i LOVE my black/brown friends. the n-word is a complete insult to every single one of them. it goes back to slavery, to white superiority and to racism. thats not okay with me. i dont kno y i'm so CRAZY and can't just GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAM. i DONT think skin color changes ANYTHING about a person.

2) over the past two years, i have been privileged to get to know a lot of white people. it has probably been one of the most valuable experiences i've ever had. it helped me to dispel myths, get over my issues, and enrich my mind. i enjoy spending time with some white people. but people like this young ignorant child, make it SO much harder. comments like that undermine the credibility of the entire race. it broke my heart to hear this comment from someone i share a skin color with.

i wouldn't doubt for a minute that this boy knew few, if ANY black people. HOW is he going to say something as vile as that with NO knowledge of the people that he is speaking of? how can you DO this?

this might seem to some as if i'm overreacting. maybe i am. i detest racism. i hate ignorance. its "just" one word right?

no. its not. its everything that word is a remnant of. everything that it is a symbol of. every person who has worked so hard to get us past that. but apparently easy ignorance is better than difficult acceptance.

yay America!

u were hit with this at 2:55 PM

.