*phew*

fourth week done! :-D had midterms in ALL my classes this week... :'-(... but i'm happy now cuz they're OVER!!! muahahahaha

i'm going up to monterey today to visit sylvanananaa!! wahoo!! :-D... one of my suitemates is LENDING me her CAR.... let me repeat... she is lending ME her car!!! wow... thats like WHOA

so of course ima be shetting bricks the whole way up thurr cuz i dont wanna mess it up!!

so im content and at peace rite now cuz im done with my midterms.. i have no hw for the weekend and this week has been fun... if VERY stressful. having a blast up hurr in SLO... gotta appreciate these good times when they come u kno?

i realized i have a phobia about calling ppl friends. i'll refer to most ppl by just about any other title CEPT for friend. hmmm. guess thats wut happens when u have had too many "friends". oh well... thats the way it goes.

im totally content rite now kids!!! :-D done for the week... the weather is awesome... having fun.... wow!! :-D

so yea... i love you guys... ya kno this... bye bye!

u were hit with this at 12:36 PM

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so in an incredibly drunken moment this past weekend me and 2 guys decided it would be a good idea to jump in the unheated pool at 1 in the morning... i dont regret jumping in but i had my fone on me so its wrecked. so i got a new fone which is AWESEM. but yea i lost all my numbers so plz IM me ur numbers!!

so yea... thats all kids... i love you guys!

u were hit with this at 7:03 PM

.

This is how a fucking gangsta rolls.. by starlitelily
gangsta name
gangsta job	dealer
your fucking problem	crack addict
# of times you ran from the cops	10
your saying	fuck that bitch
Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

This is how a fucking gangsta rolls.. by starlitelily
gangsta name
gangsta job	dealer
your fucking problem	gradeschool dropout
# of times you ran from the cops	600
your saying	a playa gots ta play
Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

This is how a fucking gangsta rolls.. by starlitelily
gangsta name
gangsta job	shooter
your fucking problem	lost arm in driveby
# of times you ran from the cops	57
your saying	fuck that bitch
Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

u were hit with this at 4:34 PM

.

goddamn. i'm homesick like no other. :'-( plus i'm coming down w/ some kinda cold and its pretty nasty. my sister and katrina are here cuz they came to visit me this weekend. :-D they're leaving here pretty soon :'-( *le sigh*

yea i saw u.

shitty fuckin mood.

wutchu want me to say?

i washed my hands a long time ago.

goddammit.

i hate this.

and im out.



u were hit with this at 7:40 AM

.

song of the day
so good
destiny's child

Hey how ya doin', yeah I'm doin' mighty fine
Last time I seen ya, it's been a long time
Stop smilin' at me, get that look off your face
Please don't even front, stop bein' so fake
I know you do not like me and you made it very clear
You're always talkin' about me from what I hear
Always put me down when you thought that you could
I want you to know that I'm doin' so good

[Hook: Kelly]

Wasn't it you that said
Thought I was all that and you said I didn't have a clue
Wasn't it you that said
That I wouldn't make it through
And wasn't it you that said
That I didn't look too good, that I wouldn't do too good
I'd never make it out the 'hood
I want you to know that I'm doin' so good

[Chorus:]

So good, so good, so good
I know you hate it, but I'm
So good, so good, so good
So good, so good, so good
It's hard to face it, but I'm
So good, so good, so good

[Verse 2 Beyonce:]

This is for them haters that said we wouldn't make it
Now we doin' platinum now you can't take it
For all the people 'round us that have been negative
Look at us now and see how we live
I stayed down wit' my people, all the ones that keep it real
Didn't get caught up, and how'd it make you feel?
All the things I'm doin' that you thought I never could
I want you to know that I'm doin' so good

[Hook 2 Kelly:]

Wasn't it you that said
I thought I was all that and you said I didn't have a clue
Wasn't it you that said
That I wouldn't make it through
And wasn't it you that said
That I wouldn't do too good
Look at me, now ain't God good
Now I made it out the 'hood
I want you to know that I'm doin' so good
[Repeat Chorus]

So good, so good, so good
I know you hate it, but I'm
So good, so good, so good
So good, so good, so good
It's hard to face it, but I'm
So good, so good, so good

[Beyonce:]
I'm doing so, so, so, so, so
I'm doing so, so, so, so, so
I'm doing so, so, so, so, so good
Good, good, good, good, good

I'm doing so, so, so, so, so, so, so
I'm doing so, so, so, so, so, so, so
I'm doing so, so, so, so, so, so, so good
Good, good, good, good, good



u were hit with this at 12:14 PM

.

nope

i can't

u kno how the feeling of knowing something and then suddenly getting a deeper, more profound understanding? like u saw the lightbulb then someone turned it on and whoa... did that make a difference

i will never be a "white" girl.... i will never be a "suburban" kid.

so today one of my suite mates (who is white and lives in a suburb) was telling me a story. she told me how she saw a guy peeing into a bush on a main street near her house. this was very distressing to my suite mate. just the fact that some random dude was on the sidewalk in her hood peeing. this was definitely an unwelcome sight.

i nearly laughed. these kids have seen so little. so very, very little. i kno i haven't seen much. haven't even scratched the world's surface. but damn. it is becoming more and more apparent that there is an invisible line that i couldn't cross even if i wanted to. i've seen too much. i've done too much. i'be been through too much. i could never be a "white suburban" kid. i remember this past weekend when sylvana, maddy, salvador and alex came up here. we were just talking about random stuff we've seen. all of them were more "disturbing" but it didn't phase me for a second. its just how it is. in some parts of downtown ur just gonna see dead bodies. thats just how it is. ur gonna see people going to the bathroom on the street. ur gonna hear gunshots or at least kno someone that has. thats just how it is.

i remember two days after i got home for christmas break there was a shooting in front of my house. it tweaked me. but with in a couple hours i was fine. and i dont even live in a "bad" area.

how come i got to be used to stuff like that when in the same world there are people who get disturbed by someone pissing in a bush? and i dont have it bad. not at all. i'm damn lucky to live where i live. for the most part its pretty damn safe. but how come its like this? i have come to an understanding about why all these kids are conservatives. they're winning the game and why would u support something that wouldn't help you? i guess thats just how it is.

i'm not hard. not at all. i dont get in fights. i dont hate the rich kids. i dont steal (usually). i dont slang. i'm doing good. i've managed to get my shit together. i'm studying and a couple years away from a double degree. but theres the line. its invisible. but its impossible to cross. i don't even kno if i would want to cross it even if i could. but it doesn't matter n e ways. oh well. thats just how it is.

i dont kno if this makes me sad. its just something that i'm going to ponder for a very long time. a tale of two cities it seems to be. but i guess thats just how it goes.

well i'm out kids. i love you... ya kno that. peace



u were hit with this at 7:55 PM

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so i think theres a monster hiding in my shadow

ever since 2 rather recent events, well... more like... 2 friendships that started w/ happiness and ended w/ terrible bitterness... i wonder the effect on them? but as we are no long on speaking terms, nor do i want to be, i guess i'll never kno. i dont particularly care about that but rather the effect it has had on me and my relationships w/ ppl that i have met since then. i thought i had trust issues BEFORE. holy shet. so ima be straight up blunt as the mofo u all kno me to be... i dont allow any sort of relationship to make its way into my heart. i've lost so much of it over the years that i honestly can't afford to let it happen again anytime soon. i do care for ppl. but not like i used to. its like that part of my soul was seared off. its kind of alarming. i have this thick shield set between me and everyone i have met since last year. i dont see that coming down anytime soon. why? because i'm finally safe. it definitely has negative consequences and all that, and i do realize that, but i am safe and thats all that matters. at this point i can't get hurt by anyone. of course i still feel emotion. of course i still care about ppl. but because i haven't let anyone close to me, theres no way for them to HURT me.

last year was the worst year of my entire life. and i mean that. it was truly, completely, entirely the most horrible, painful, anguishing year of my entire life. when i got back home last summer i didn't kno which side was up. i couldn't even handle hanging out w/ my best friends because the thought of it gave me intense panic attacks. PANIC ATTACKS ppl! i was FUCKED UP. my soul was destroyed. but i have mended. not completely. last year is gonna be a scar im going to carry for a long, long time. but it is only a scar now. its not an open wound. but its not something i'm going to forget anytime soon. i am about a million times stronger than i thought i could ever be. but i'm still on the defensive. its no one's fault really, its just how it is.

even before last year i haven't ever really been the type to talk to ppl about most issues. its takes a long, long, long time to get me to talk about stuff that actually touches my heart. and even once i do trust ppl enough to talk, i still dont. i REFUSE to depend on ppl. the SECOND u lean on others, is the second u get f*cked over. i hope i dont always hold this attitude, but i do now so thats how it is. i can handle my sh*t on my own. would i be better off if i let others help me? yes, i believe i would be. in the short run. but i refuse to put that kind of trust in ANYONE. the benefits r not worth the risks. sound paranoid? yea, i do. i am. when u've fallen off of a cliff b/c u weren't paying attention where u were going, ur damn sure as hell gonna start watching where ur going. even though theres only cracks in the sidewalk. they still could be cliffs. and i am NOT falling off another cliff.

i have issues with religion. i need to work on that.

w/ all this said i appreciate the new friends i've made much more than it would seem. i guess as proof that i could find quality people that would actually want to hang out w/ me. i was starving and now i've got a feast and i dont kno how to handle it. if i get too close too fast i'll kill myself. so i have to go at this slowly. very slowly. even tho i haven't been able to eat the food yet, i definitely appreciate everything on the table. its patiently waiting for me to get to it. i dont kno when i will, but i appreciate it all the same. the sight of all the food is as good as eating it.

so i guess thanks to all my old skool kids who helped me find my way out of hell. and thanks to all the new ppl to care enuff to want to get to kno me. u have no idea how much u guys mean to me.

if this is the last time u hear from me I LOVE YOU!

u were hit with this at 7:14 PM

.

so they're cutting 9% of the cal state budget. NINE PERCENT!!!!!!! doesn't sound so large? how bout 20,000? does that sound like a big number? the cutting of that 9% means that the cal state system has to turn away TWENTY THOUSAND eligible college students next year ALONE. they're cutting funding to the UC's and the community colleges. where are these 20,000 to go? to go work at a mcdonalds near u? to help u buy shoes at foot locker? to work in fields? to clean rich ppl's houses? to sell drugs and run the streets? to hustle and pimp and steal? where did that money go? for a bogus bullsh*t electricity scam... for a ridiculous recall election... to bitch about giving illegal aliens drivers licenses... THEY'RE DRIVING ANYWAY!!!!!!! u think that if these ppl are willing to illegally sneak into this country they're going to listen to driving laws?? they're looking for a better life... and it would be nice if this "land of opportunity" could that provide that for them as well as its citizens... y are so many ppl i kno working 2 or 3 jobs just to SCRAPE by? y do i see so many ppl giving up their dreams b/c they simply can't afford to follow them? how can we spend billions upon billions in iraq to "bring democracy" and spread "opportunity" when your own ppl can't get educated? does any one in congress, the white house, or the supreme court NOT have a college degree? how is everyone else supposed to make it? on hopes and dreams? i stopped hoping for things a long, long time ago. i stopped dreaming even before i stopped hoping. wuts the point of hope in a world so horribly corrupt? wuts the point of dreaming when u have to wake up to a nightmare? as an individual i am doing fine... i AM getting an education. i as an individual will have opportunity. but wut about US?? wut about the thousands upon thousands upon thousands of ppl who will never have any of these opportunities? and y don't they have these opportunities? b/c they're "lazy"? they're just not willing to work for wut they want? if ANYONE believes thats wut is going down come to my skool so i can personally bitch slap you... the ppl at the bottom works HARDER than any other ppl i have ever seen. nurses working all hours of the day and nite... construction workers killin themselves to build houses... hundreds of ppl who destroy their backs by working in strawberry fields... how can anyone say they aren't working? well then y don't they have money if they're working so hard? BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE THE PROPER EDUCATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok... this mofo has to get back to my edumakashun... peace... if this is the last time u hear from me i love you!

u were hit with this at 3:03 PM

.

yay! sylvana, maddy, salvador and alex came to visit me yesterday!!! :-D much fun had!!!!

now they've gone and goddamn i'm depressed... oh well... i definitely have fun here but damn... oh well i'm just being stupid

gads... i am in one helluva bad ass mood rite now... so im out kids...

u were hit with this at 7:09 PM

.

dammit i hate the place i'm at rite now... no not SLO.. the mental place i'm at rite now... argh!!!

i'm completely unmotivated... i'm sittin here bloggin when i got class tomorrow and hw to do for them! :'( i was SO good this last quarter and now wuts happening???

i am definitely not feeling my best... i think i'm PMSing... argh... either way its just been one of those days.... surface level just fine... i kno ppl in all my classes... had fun times w/ stevie after geography.... met new ppl in spanish... but goddamn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm just so BLEAK and desolate and BLAH... i feel like my heart is a hole... happiness goes in but it doesn't come back out... argh.... it just eats the happiness and leaves negativity in its stead... argh... i just need to get into a bloody schedule.... just kno wut i should be doing at all times... argh... well we'll see wut happens rite? *hoi*

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ok people enuff of this bullshit wallowing in pity crap... i'm not paying $$ to blog... its for college and fo sho that $$ is NOT gonna be wasted... its homework time guys.... so yea hit up the cell... i miss being at home :'( goddamn LA!!! y can't i just be there forever!!!! *sigh* sldkfsldkfjsoirwoierslkdfjslkfj oh well... off to read read and READ!!! WAHOO!!!!


song of the day
"caged bird"
alicia keys

Right now I feel like a bird
Caged without a key
Everyone comes to stare at me
With so much joy and rivalry

They didn't know how I feel inside
Through my smile I cry
They don't know what they're doin' to me
Keeping me from flyin'

That's why I say that
I know why the caged bird sings
Only joy comes from song
She's so rare and beautiful to theirs

Why not just set her free
So she can
Fly, fly, fly
Spreadin' her wings and her song

Let her
Fly, fly fly
For the whole world to see
She's like caged bird
Fly, fly
Ooh just let her fly

Just let her fly
Just let her fly
Spread the wings
Spread the beauty

u were hit with this at 8:41 PM

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